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GRAVY! so there you have it 2007-01-08 — 11:38 p.m. |
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Allright then, here it is. My husband is gay and we're getting a divorce. Putting it out here in cyberspace is a little weird. But what the hey? I'm not getting into the gritty details right now, but if you want them, email me and I'll probably tell you. I'm doing ok. I was mostly fine all of today. I talked to my advisor for a while and she was really supportive. Career-wise, this was a good thing, because now I'm free to go at my own pace and look for jobs everywhere and stuff, and that made me feel better for like 20 whole minutes, so that was good. Ryan's looking at different apartments in town right now. I know it's good for him to move out, but it makes me very sad. I sent that D. kid an email and it was kind of mean, and I could tell it upset Ryan, and because I'm a sucker and a loser and always feeling guilty about everything, I sent him another email apologizing and telling him that I don't hate him and that I hope he has a really nice life. It's true ... I don't hate him at all, and even though it hurts like nothing else, I'm glad he's a nice person and not some jerk. Ryan thinks he's in love with him, and that's a lot for me to process right now. Part of me is afraid that he's just infatuated with this kid and that once this dies down, he'll suddenly discover that it was just a passing fling and that he's not gay after all ... but I know that's not really true, and I just have to accept the fact that it's time to move on with my life. When I think of everything rationally, I know that this is for the best, because neither one of us could ever be happy in this relationship. He loves me, but he's not sexually attracted to me at all. That's not a good recipe for marriage. And I love him, but I guess when I think about it, I haven't been sincerely happy for a while now. I've been happy in patches ... our wedding was beautiful, and we've had a lot of really nice times since then ... but I suppose with hindsight, it's apparant that he wasn't nearly as deeply in love with me as I was with him, not because of who I am, but because of what I am. You know what's really silly? I feel guilty being sad or crying around him because it makes him cry, and I can't stand to watch that. He's so, so, so sorry about what he's done to me. He's so mad at himself for not realizing this sooner, for cheating on me, for wasting my wedding ... for everything ... but we both know there's nothing he can do to fix anything and that staying married would be a disaster. And it's so, so good that this came out now and not after we'd been married for years and had kids and all. But knowing all of this doesn't make it easier to wake up every day and know that it's over. I guess it'll get better one day. I'm going to go to the counseling center on my campus this week. I don't quite know how they will help, but i suppose they can't hurt. I tried praying this afternoon, but I don't even know what to pray for. So I just sat down in front of the cross in the apartment and cried, and hoped that God knowed what I was asking for even though I didn't. He just got back from a run, and he's standing here next to me, and it's beyond my comprehension that he won't be my husband in a very short while. I know that he does love me as much as he can, and that if he could change this, he would, but again, knowing this rationally doesn't currently translate into feeling ok. And that's fine. I'm really handling this amazingly, remarkably well, all things considered. Maybe it's because I saw it coming. Maybe it's because I'm starting to let go of the tiny shred of hope that he'll realize he's wrong, and that we shouldn't get a divorce. At any rate, it's getting better, and it will continue to get better every day. I have full faith that one day, we will be very, very close friends. I know that this will be harder for him than me. All I have to do is get over him. He has to be gay. How anyone can think homosexuality is a choice when making that choice often causes so many people so much pain and difficulty is absolutely beyond me. I know that he could choose not to act on it, but that would only make us resent each other in time. Well ... that's about it for now. I'm going to try to get on with my life, and figure out what the hell to do and why to do it all. |
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