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I'm adapting this a little from an email I sent Ryan earlier today. I want to keep the ball rolling on this diary for now, but I don't see the need to rewrite this when I already have it written. If you're out of the loop as to what's going on, go back an entry. Huzzah.
I went to see the counselor today. She was really, really nice, and I'm so glad that I went, if for no other reason than she made me feel "normal." I told her the whole story from the time Ryan and I first met to the fact that we ate lunch together today. She said that I seem to be handling everything amazingly well, but everyone she's ever known who's gone through this (both patients and personal friends) have experienced it in phases, and that I shouldn't be upset with myself if in a few weeks, I'm suddenly depressed or angry, but that I also shouldn't be upset with myself if I'm not. She said that I shouldn't be concerned by the fact that we are so close right now, and that while it's perfectly natural for my mom to think it's a colossal mistake for us to spend time with each other right now, every single person reacts to something like this differently. So if I feel like it's good for me for us to be friends, and to see each other, then it's just good for me for us to be friends and to see each other. I shouldn't feel bad about that as long as I'm being honest with myself. And if in two weeks I no longer think it's a good idea for us to be friends, then I need to tell him that, and I will, should that feeling arise. The way I see it, there is no way I could handle losing my husband and my best friend all at once, and maybe one reason that I'm (we're) dealing with this so well is something I realized at lunch, that I may be losing my husband, but I really feel like I'm getting my best friend back in the process.
I told her that I feel like we handled the Gary situation poorly, and she said that we did the best we could with the information we both had at the time. She said if we had broken up then, he might have repressed his sexuality even further because he would come to see the experience as a huge mistake that led to the demise of a good relationship, and that I might always wonder "what if." I suppose looking it that way makes sense, but I don't really see the point in saying "hey, this could have been different" either way. As we've discussed many times these past few days, it is what it is, and what matters now is what will be.
As I was talking to her, I think I began to understand a little bit of why I've been so uninterested in my schoolwork as of late. I think that when I began to see myself as a part of his life, and that his job was going to be so secure and that we were going to go wherever his career took you, I started to think that what I was doing was less and less important. I began to think that it didn't matter what I did or whether or not i liked it because the rest of my life was going in a very specific direction. It's not that I didn't like that direction, because I loved him, but I think I just felt like what I was doing had zero impact on what he were doing. And maybe I revelled in not doing any work because I kind of resented the fact that his job was going to be the main shaper of our future. I don't know if that's valid or not, but I've been thinking about it. Now that I have no idea where my life is going, what I'm doing for my career is actually important again. I have no clue if that's going to make me like working again, or suddenly be interested in my dissertation, but I can at least hope that it will. We'll see!
I still already miss him, and sometimes I have to remind myself that all of these revelations and resolutions come at the price of our marriage. And I still am quite sad at the fact that once he graduates, e will inevitably see each other rather infrequently. But I suppose that's another bridge to cross at another time. BB is coming down on Thursday to stay with me a little while, and that will be good. Ryan found another apartment, so he'll be moving out. I know this is a good thing, but it doesn't make it any easier. Have I said that already? Probably. Okie dokie ... time to eat a sandwich and get on with my life.
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