GRAVY!

venting

2007-01-11 — 2:40 a.m.

WARNING: MASSIVE VENTING

This is very weird. Ryan is in the dining room using some sort of internet phone to talk to his Boy Toy right now, and I'm sitting here in the living room listening to it, and I even talked to him a few minutes ago, and it was perfectly pleasant, and part of me is OK with that, and part of me just wants to pick up stuff and throw it at him.

I still don't believe he can be in love with this guy. The way he laughs at his jokes sounds fake to me.

I got him to give me one last kiss today, because the last one he gave me was when he was still lying to me, and I thought it might help me if this one erased that one. It didn't. It just made me miss him. But I guess it also helped me realize that he didn't want to kiss me anymore.

The worst part about sitting here and while they chat away is when they stop talking and start typing, because then I know they're writing things I don't want to hear.

I know he'd stop if I asked him to. I don't want to do that.

I hate every second of this. Just every single second. Every single fucking second.

There, I just dropped the f-bomb in my diary without asterisking out a vowel.

I hate that little smile he has on his face right now. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it. I hate the tone of his voice.

I hate that he people tell me that i shouldn't feel these things because nothing was my fault, and there's nothing i could have or could now do. I hate that i'm supposed to feel better because it's not that he loves him more than me, just differently than me. I hate it because he used to love me that way, and he doesn't understand why he stopped or why he didn't realize he was gay until a year and a half after we got married. I hate all of this.

I hate it, and i'm glad that he's moving out, but I'm going to miss him, and i hate that i'm going to miss him, and he says he's going to miss me, but i wonder if that's just because the Boy Toy is going to be in Europe next semester and the Boy Toy lives in Texas and the Boy Toy is still a fucking junior in fucking college, and so he probably won't get any quality time with him any time soon, so yes, he probably will miss me, but he probably wouldn't if none of the above were true. Or maybe he would. I don't know. I believe him when he's talking to me, but then he has to check his phone when it vibrates because it's yet ANOTHER text message from Boy Toy, and you know what, he really hates it that I call him Boy Toy because it makes it just doesn't do their relationship justice, but I don't fucking care.

Is it wrong for me to want him to be happy in the long run but yet wish he was just a tiny bit more miserable right now? Why does it have to feel like my life is falling apart while he gets to chat away idly with Boy Toy? I want him to be upset, to be lonely, to hurt all over. I know he went through a lot in making this decision, and I know his real ordeal is barely starting, but right now he seems so happy and I just want to scream, because how could you be so happy, and how could you be so sure you love this guy when you barely know who he is, and he certainly has no idea who you are, not the way i do.

I hate this, I hate this, i hate this.

I have to teach a stupid class tomorrow, and i'm sure it'll be fine, but right now i just want to crawl into a hole and never, ever come out. BB is coming to stay with me for a little bit, and that'll be much better than me being by myself.

He just came over here to talk to me and I knew it was because the connection timed out or something on the stupid internet phone with the Boy Toy. I guess it's not so different than before. He always had something to put before me ... work, school, whatever ... now it's this guy, and what drives me out of my mind is that now, even though we are still married, he seems to have no issue whatsoever with any of this ... it just seems like as soon as he got the chance to cast me aside, he did, but this time he has a solid excuse. I know that's not true, but i typed it anyway because it made me feel better. And I know that there is nothing he can say or do that will make this better, and that he's really sorry and he really wishes there were indeed something he could in fact say or do, but there isn't, and there isn't anything i can do either, and that's just that, and i absolutely hate it, because i want him to be happy and i want him to be who he is, and i don't hate Boy Toy, i actually kind of like Boy Toy, but i don't want to.

I hate all of this. I hate that I'm going to read this tomorrow and feel bad about it and swear that none of it is true and that he's a good person and that I was overreacting and that everything is really just fine. It's good then I'm typing all of this, and I'm not going to erase it, because if I had done stuff like this before, maybe i wouldn't be in this mess, because I'd have a litany of diary posts about how Ryan ignored me or discounted my feelings or just plain didn't choose me and I could look back on all of it and say wow, this was a long time coming, and maybe I really will be better off without a husband who didn't and couldn't really love me the way I fucking deserve to be loved, because I deserve to be loved a lot, dammit, I do ... I'm smart, and funny, and pretty, and patient, and kind, and good, and all i did was give, give, give for months, and what did i get back? I got cheated on and lied to, and that's just not right.

I know I'm very emotional right now, and I know that when I'm calm, I'll assure you that I love Ryan and I just want him to be happy, and that he really wasn't a horrible husband, just an occasionally inattentive one who never wanted to have sex with me, and that he's such a good person, but he's so confused, and it'll be true, but I'm still not erasing this. I'm not even proofreading it.

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