GRAVY!

today

2007-01-12 — 2:15 a.m.

He moved out tonight. It was tough, but i mostly kept it together. Mostly because BB was here. I'm glad she's here. We tried to do handstands.

Boy Toy is going leaving the country tomorrow. Ryan and Boy Toy announced their relationship to the world on facebook today. I don't know exactly why, but it felt like a slap in the face.

I told BB that Ryan admitted to giving Boy Toy a foot massage, and her reaction was as violently incredulous as mine. Foot massages are my favorite things in the world, and Ryan was an absolute miser with them. I didn't ask for much. I think I'm pretty much the lowest maintenance girl on the planet. All I ever wanted was to have my feet rubbed here and there ... Nothing. I would have give him hot oil massages every night if he wanted me to.

I'm worried about him. I think he's setting himself up for a huge heartbreak ... either that or he's still way more confused that he can even process right now, and having a super long-distance relationship with a guy he barely knows and has only even actually met a few times, especially when he only came to realize that he is gay less than a month ago just sounds like a recipe for disaster. He says he's aware of all of these dangers, but I'm still worried. I guess it's not my place to worry about this.

I spent part of this evening looking at pictures of us from when we were dating, and it was like looking at two completely different people. We were so happy, so connected, so in sync. That all changed when we moved in together. I suppose because that's when his subconscious gayness started freaking out because he was now entering into a very serious relationship with a woman. All of these things make sense now, but again, understanding something rationally doesn't make it any easier to process emotionally.

I don't quite know why I'm just so irked by the fact that he announced his relationship on facebook. (Stupid facebook ... that's how this all started in the first place.) I guess it just made me feel replaced. Wife out, Boy Toy in. I know that's not how it is, but yeah, you know what, it is when you look at it from a facebook point of view, which i realize is stupid, but whatever. And we're still legally married. I wonder if God still sees us as one flesh? Maybe He stopped when Ryan cheated on me, or maybe He did when Ryan realized he wasn't in love with me, or maybe He did when Ryan listed himself as being in a relationship with Boy Toy on facebook.

I was worried he'd be lonely when we left him tonight. Right now I don't care because I feel rejected and slighted and sad. I'm not supposed to feel like i've been rejected, because it's not me, it's my gender, but I don't care. He woke up next to me, went to bed next to him and never looked back, and if that isn't supposed to make me feel like i've been replaced, i don't know what will. There's absolutely nothing i can do to make Ryan want to be with me again, and sometimes that is comforting and sometimes (right now) it is absolutley, positively maddening.

I hate all of this, and it doesn't matter in the slightest.

Ryan's aunt told me that she thinks Ryan might never be able to be in a real relationship with anyone because he's so hard-headed, unyielding, and self-centered. The Ryan I know (knew?) is nothing like this at all. My Ryan was patient, gentle, kind, giving, sweet, and loving. Maybe not to everyone, but always to me, at least until the last few months of our relationship. Ryan once wrote to me: "I'm at my best when I'm loving you most," and it was simply the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me. I still believe that this is true, but I can't force him to love me like that again. All I can do is hope that he will learn to love someone else like that, and that it will help him become the best person he can be.

I know, I know, I should be thinking of me instead of him and that's the only way I'll ever get over him. I don't know what to think about for me. I don't know how to be happy right now. I'm fairly certain that I'm still in denial over all of this, and that part of me is patiently waiting for him to change his mind, apologize, and come back to me. That's not going to happen.

I suppose I can only take it one day at a time, as trite as that may be.

God, I hate this.

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