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GRAVY! punkd? 2007-01-14 — 2:45 a.m. |
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Today wasn't too bad. Ryan and I had it out for a little bit in the afternoon, mostly because of the stupid facebook thing, but also because of everything else. He assured me that he's not trying to replace me, that i can never be replaced, and that he loves me as much as he possibly can. The rest of the day BB and I helped him move into his new apartment, then we came back here and watched SNL. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm not angry at him, so that's new. We had a pretty nice time together today, the three of us, and it felt kind of like it did before Ryan and I even started dating ... like we were all just really good friends. It was relatively pleasant, considering the circumstances. It actually is a bit of a relief in some ways that Ryan feels so strongly about the Boy Toy, because at least it shows me that he has emotions and a heart and all, which I was certain he had until a year or so ago. Would have been nicer for him to have those emotions for me, but I guess that's not going to happen. Everyone tells me that they admire my strength and whatnot, and in general I feel pretty strong, but I do wonder if I'm just going to crack one day, and if so, what that will be like. I've accepted that he's gay, and I'm pretty close to accepting that our marriage is over, but I'm nowhere near accepting that I'm supposed to start dating again one day. What the hell is that all about? I don't know how to date people. I haven't been single in 4 years. Perhaps now is not the time to worry about that. Uggggggggggg, maybe this is just a really, really elaborate practical joke? Good one, Ashton! |
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