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GRAVY! word 2007-01-19 — 10:23 a.m. |
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Things here have been calming down a lot lately, which is good. I saw my nice therapist lady again, and she's really helped me put things into perspective. My mom has been giving me a hard time about all of this ... every single person I've talked to has told me that I'm handling this really well and that whatever makes me happy is what I should do, but not my mom. She's just livid. I mean, I understand why. If this had happened to my daughter, I would probably feel the same way. Plus, she never really liked Ryan all that much to begin with. So when I told her that Bridget and I helped Ryan move into his new place and then ate dinner, my mom completely flipped out. She told me that she wakes up crying every morning, to which i replied, "Mom, I don't." I think she's always had difficulty forgiving people and she expects the same out of me ... but I'm not like that at all. I forgave Ryan before he even cheated on me. I'm still angry and hurt, but I'm not going to punish him every day. He can't be more sorry, and even if he could, it wouldn't change anything. I'm not angry at him for being gay, because that's not his fault, and I'm not angry at him for marrying me, because he honestly didn't know, but I am angry at him for cheating on me, lying to me, and lecturing me on how i need to learn to trust him. That was just plain disgusting. But again ... he knows that, and he's sorry, and the whole thing was one big horrific mess, and I'd like that mess to be over stat. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you can't be angry at them, or you can't feel hurt by what they did, but it does mean that you shouldn't want to punish them. I am comfortable with my anger and my hurt and Ryan's contrition, and I am comfortable with the friendship Ryan and I have right now. And if I stop being comfortable with that, then it'll end. But for now ... Ryan and I are getting along just fine, and every day I love him a little differently. I think I'm at the point right now where even if he decided he was straight again, I wouldn't want to be with him, but that is indeed a moot point, because he is quite gay. Bridget is making a scrapbook called "who knew?" (or something to that effect) using all of these old pictures we found where Ryan looks gayer than a freaking jaybird. It's going to be fabulous. BB and I have also been painting our hearts out. We've been working on these awesome tiny paintings of little stick figures going through turmoil. They're so much fun to make, and they really, truly look adorable, even the ones that i made. Once they're all done I'll put pictures of them on here, or email them to the two of you (hi Amy and Pamela!) or something. Word. I'm still utterly convinced that BoyToy is going to break Ryan's heart, and I'm still fairly incredulous that he's so infatuated with him, but whatever. Nothing I can, will, or should do about any of that, except listen if he needs me to and if I feel like I can. So that's that. And I know that something amazing is going to come out of all of this if I let it. I just know it. God's not done with me. I want a husband and a family, and I'll have both one day. I've learned so much from all of this ... and not just the sucky parts ... because we did have really wonderful times too. Ryan taught me how to love someone openly, honestly, unconditionally, and unselfishly and it's not going to stop with him. Word. |
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