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GRAVY! mostly 2007-04-04 — 8:12 p.m. |
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The weather is just so beautiful right now in NC, and I'm thinking I'd like to stay here for the rest of my life. Have a family here. That hinges on jobs and whatnot, but we'll see. I'm happy almost all the time. Every once in a while I feel this weird pang of loneliness in my chest, and I don't know where it comes from, or what it's for, but it's there. I think I may have always had it. I felt it all the time with Ryan, so I know it's not that I'm missing him ... but it's something akin to homesickness, although I don't know what home it is I'm missing. My pastor once said that if you ever feel like you just want to go home, and it's not a specific longing for a specific place, it's because our real home is with God, and I guess that explains a lot of it. It's not that I want to die or anything, but I guess I do in a way, not in a scary suicidal way, just in a longing to be with God kind of way. I don't know. I'm also still angry at Ryan for everything. I don't even want to see him or talk to him, but I think about him moving back to the north in a month and it makes me upset. Kind of scary sometimes. I'm rather rudderless. Good thing? Mostly. Mostly. Dave is in the shower. I'm using his mama's leftover chicken to make quesadillas. Sigur Ros is making sad sounds. My dissertation is coming along slowly. I'm writing poetry again. The breeze coming in from the windoor is soft and warm and i can't believe for a second it's supposed to dip below 40 again tonight. No petunias for a while. |
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