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GRAVY! my head low 2007-04-08 — 5:54 p.m. |
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sad sad sad today for no real reason at all. maybe a reason? i'm kind of scared of things. it's scary to have the rug ripped out from under you? is that the way to say it? i think this is upsetness leaking out little by little. that and pms. i get my period every 2 weeks again. no fun. what's scary: dave wants to buy a house with me. woah? woah. the scariest thing is that it would be in durham. it'd be way less scary in chapel hill, where i wouldn't have to do any driving. i have got to stop letting this stupid phobia control my life. i wish bb still lived here with me. i'm glad she has a really wonderful new life in LA, but i miss her. i want to cry for no reason at all right now. i think that's still pms. dave's watching tv, i'm kind of doing work, he's a total sweetheart, i love him being here. i think i want babies a lot right now. i want to have a job and live in one place forever and have babies in that place where i will live forever. even though i have weird sad feelings in my heart, they're not about dave. i'm kind of afraid he'll pull the rug out from under me sometimes though. funny how i never would have allowed myself to write something like this when i was with ryan, because i would have thought it wasn't beneficial, wasn't about building up, but breaking down. that's wrong. this is my diary and it's been mine for years, and it's always been here, and it's gonna hear it all. and it doesn't have to make sense or be organized or cohere. i like the decemberists new cd. one of my students copied it for me. i like my students a lot this semester. |
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