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GRAVY! still wishing i had a shift key 2007-04-18 — 3:28 a.m. |
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my UTI seems to be clearing up, thanks to a lot of cranberries and antibiotics. have you ever had one? they suck a lot. but i can sit down now, so that's good. so we originally weren't going to be able to get the cute house we wanted to rent, but then the lady changed her mind. she's a flake. we were out looking at another house, which i did like better (bigger kitchen, dishwasher, dining room, sunroom, closer to stores i could walk to) and she called to say the people who had been offered the house first turned it down. we said we'd think it over, then drove past her house again. dave just loves her house. he said it's more open, has more light, is cuter, stuff like that, but that if i liked the first one better, we should go with that. well, if there was any indication that we could just get the first one without applying, waiting, yadda yadda yadda, i might have been more forceful, but there wasn't, so i didn't, so we just told the lady we'd take her house. now i'm completely freaked out, and therefore not sleeping at 3 am. i think i'm just freaked out because it's finalized. that and i tried to imagine myself driving when we came home and it took almost half an hour. (he took a route that avoided 85). i know i have to learn to drive, so i guess there's no time like the present, but i'm still freaked out. also because i think i'm incapable of making decisions that would in any way make anyone else unhappy. it's like i'd rather be miserable than think that i've made someone else miserable. is that so wrong? what's the difference between being unhappy because i'm unhappy and unhappy because i've made someone else unhappy? if i know that i'd rather be unhappy myself than be unhappy because my decision has made someone else unhappy, what's the harm in letting that influence my decisions? i'm also somewhat freaked out because i feel like life is moving at a ridiculously fast pace and it's been changing before i know that i'm ready for it to change ... everything is so different than it was four months ago, and i'm sort of wishing i could just have a breather. i don't know what that breather would entail, but i'd like one. stat. and i need a job this summer, especially if i have to pay tuition next semester, which i might have to because the guy who runs the program is an idiot. are you watching american idol? that phil guy gives me the serious willies. i almost enjoy watching sanjaya, but i can't actually look at phil. sanjaya is the epitome of hot mess. and i kind of love it. ryan was super nice to me last night, i think because i'm in pain. he's always good when you overtly, obviously need him, just not when you're not being subtle about it. he told me he reread a bunch of emails i sent him in january, and that they were really nice, and that he wanted me to know that he loved me. i just started crying, because i didn't know what else to do, and everything's been really hard on me lately for some reason. i think it's because of the aformentioned need for a breather. dave met my family last weekend. it went really well. everyone loved him, even my dad. he liked everyone else a lot too, even though they got totally drunk. so that was good. i told my ma we'd be living together, and she was fine with that idea. i think mostly because she could see how completely enamored of me dave was. she said his eyes just lit up when i came into a room, and that's all she wants for me. good, good. i think dave loves me more than i love him right now, and that's not a bad thing, it's just the way it is. i think it's been that way for me in every relationship i've ever had except maybe trent and ryan, and both of those were kind of messed up relationships. this is by far the healthiest, most secure relationship i've ever had, and i can't imagine anyone being better to, for, or with me. but that doesn't mean i don't feel like a breather!!!! hey, life, how about it? |
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